Dreams Do Not Expire

One more week of school. One more real week of school. Last academic week. Survival mode activated. Just survive, just survive, just survive.

This past week, I don’t know even know. School was hard. I’m so busy. My classroom is unbearably hot and humid. I’m exhausted. I come home from work at 3:30 and just crash.

I got in zero workouts this week. Zero.


The closest thing to a workout I did was helping Rob with some manual labor house related stuff. Water in the basement because it storms every day some how. We’ve never had water in the basement before. We could see roughly where it was coming in and since we sealed the inside last year and it’s obviously not working we turned to the outside. That meant digging up our front landscaping, digging all the way down the footers of our foundation roughly seven feet down. Then the walls needed to be cleaned, tarred, covered in plastic, and have all the dirt replaced. And we had about 24 hours to get it all done before the next slated storm rolled in. While Rob held me from doing as much as I normally would, I still stood out there raking dirt, shoveling, and doing as much as I could being pregnant. I would have done a lot more, but Husband is pretty hesitant for me to be doing much of anything strenuous.

Maybe it’s my lack of workouts, but I’m feeling very nostalgic lately. My facebook newsfeed was full of nothing but happy race related posts and photos all week. My tri club chat has been dinging up a storm on our group message. And I’ve been trying not to fall asleep at 4pm while clutching my ass cheek because my sciatic nerve is apparently on fire.

I’m feeling very lost. I want to run, I want so badly to ride my bike with the wind at my face, I want to feel the rush, the pure emotion that comes with crossing a finish line.

I know having a baby will be worth it. I know she will be my everything. But right now I selfishly want to feel like me again. I want to swim and bike and run like I always have. I want to help my husband do work on our house. I just want to be and feel and be treated normal. I want to feel as free as I feel every time I cross a finish line.

Maybe I’m just feeling the sads because Ironman Syracuse is this weekend and instead of racing along side one of my athletes and multiple club members I’ll be standing at the finish line seeing everyone else’s joy but not experiencing my own.


It’s time for me to take a deep breath and try again this week. My sights are still set on Ironman Chattanooga 2016 where my husband and daughter will be waiting for me at the finish line. Hopefully. But September of 2016 is still a long ways away, so right now I guess I’ll focus on running this week. I’ll put my trainer tire on my bike and set that up once the basement is situated. And when I’m done with school in two weeks I will swim again.

I will take things day by day. I will continue to hold onto my dream. I will teach my daughter that anything she wants is possible with enough hard work and determination and commitment. And then I will prove it to her. Because my dream will never expire.

12 Replies to “Dreams Do Not Expire”

  1. I know how you feel! I miss being my “normal” pre pregnancy self quite often as well! For now though, this is the new normal! So instead of being sad about not being able to swim, bike, run as long or as fast as I used to, I’m just trying to be happy about what I CAN do, and trying to stay diligent at it for the health of me and baby! Also, I encourage you to do some “races” this summer if you can. It’s hard because you want to be down on yourself for having to be slow, but it still feels pretty amazing crossing the finish line x weeks pregnant!! I’ll just be doing 5-10ks this summer, but even short distances make me feel proud! And I can tell baby all the races I did while pregnant!
    Hannah recently posted…Weekly Pregnancy Update: 21 Weeks!My Profile

    1. I do need to sign up for a 5k at this point. I need something. I don’t really care about my time, which is surprising to me. I just want to be able to do the things I love and watching it all happen around me is so hard.

  2. I know it is hard with a big dream out on the horizon, but focus on the here and now. Be present in the moment and push forward to summer break. You will have your baby girl and be back to training before you know it!!
    Kecia recently posted…7 Weeks ’til Ironman BoulderMy Profile

  3. Believe me…having a daughter will be the BEST thing that has ever happened to you in your life! Sure there is that satisfaction of completing a tri or a race of any kind…but there will be races forever. And you will be in some of them. What you are and will be doing is far more important than any race -believe me!
    cheryl recently posted…Just Jump!My Profile

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I am really so excited to be having a little girl soon. And she is definitely the most important thing =)

  4. Oh man Courtney I’m sorry. But I think you should totally count housework as a workout – in my mind I counted the fact that I had to run all over Anchorage looking for stupid fishing waders with my husband last Thursday a workout because I was so exhausted! You are doing the best you can and it’s better to not push yourself too much. After school is out I’m sure you’ll have time to work out and you’ll have so much more energy! Ellie is going to be worth all of this!
    Kristen recently posted…Her Tern Half Training: Week 7My Profile

    1. I am definitely hoping to be more productive once I’m done with school. I know she’ll be worth it. It’s tough being in the moment feeling so unlike myself. But I can’t wait for her to be here and to be able to instill in her all the things I love. Thanks, friend =)

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