Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End

So a few weeks ago I had mentioned that I had an extremely emotionally charged weekend. It had some major ups and downs and is going to change everything. And now that some of the information is out in the open, it’s about time I explained.

Friday, March 27, 2015, I called my dad during my fifth period planning period at school.

About a week prior my Aunt L had a stroke and heart attack that she barely lived through. She had been in the hospital up to this point in really bad condition. After she wound up in the hospital, my grandparents and Aunt D, who happens to be an RN, went down to Texas to be with her and her family. Of course, I knew all of this before speaking to my father. But the conversation we had was not a good one.

My Aunt L was on life support and was not expected to survive. At this point they were planning to have the discussion about taking her off life support. There was nothing more. Her fight was over.

My heart broke for my father and for the rest of my family. My Aunt L had a husband and two boys in college. We had been so close with her. We knew the outcome wasn’t going to be good when she originally had the stroke, but this was more news then I was prepared to handle. I spent the rest of the day in a complete fog fighting back tears. It was all I could do to make it through this last day of school before spring break.

I spent my drive home in tears and when I got home I cried to my husband. It was so unfair and my poor family was hurting. I was frustrated and sad and hurt. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my Aunt wasn’t going to be around anymore. I had always been close with her and it seemed so unfair.


So in a fit of frustration and the need to have something good happen, I slipped upstairs and pulled a pregnancy test out of a drawer. And I sat in silence in the bathroom waiting. As the five minute wait period passed by, I glanced down and saw a faint line had appeared.

I have no idea how long I sat there and stared down at the little test strip trying to decide if my eyes were playing tricks on me. Slowly I grabbed it and walked downstairs, standing in the kitchen for a few minutes before calling to my husband. I handed him the strip and asked if he could see two lines. I pointed to where the test line was. He squinted at it and said he could maybe see a faint line.

But it was so faint. Maybe it was an evaporation line. So I said I’d test again the morning to confirm. And a little after 5am the next morning I slipped out of bed and retested. This time the line was even more faint, even harder to see. Maybe the batch of Wonfos I had were bad. Or maybe it was a chemical pregnancy. Maybe it was a million different excuses. But I started to lose hope seeing an even fainter line, and I slid back in bed.

I tried to explain the line to Rob all day. I went back and forth on the are we or aren’t we conversation a dozen times. I just could not wrap my head around the results. So finally we grabbed a box of First Response tests to try again and attempt to get a real answer. And within seconds of taking the FRER, two lines started to show. I opened the bathroom door and walked out, letting Rob in to see. There were definitely two dark, two very obvious lines on this one. There was no question about this test; I am pregnant.

We spent a few minutes celebrating and after the high calmed down a bit, the what now discussion started. And then I began to kind of freak out.

Because holy shit, I’m pregnant.

Little Blueberry, just hanging in there. Due December 8, 2015.

And as we talked it become pretty obvious what the next step was for us. We got in the car and drove to Syracuse to share the news with our families. Everyone was really happy and excited for us, of course. For my family the news was well timed. A small silver lining, a glimmer of hope and happiness in an otherwise dark and sad time. Within 24 hours all the tears of sadness and sorrow had turned to happiness and joy. So bittersweet.

Now that it has been a few weeks I’ve had a smattering of on and off symptoms that seems to include a lack of desire to workout. I’m tired all the time and my eating is all over the place. Either I barely eat all or I just want all the food. I just kind of all over the place. And the last week or so I’ve been completely sidelined with terrible all day morning sickness. Very exhausted and emotional and in a constant state of hungry-nauseous.

So what does this mean for Ironman Syracuse? Out. I thought when we were trying that I had counted out the weeks correctly before I hit register, but alas, I did not. I will be in my second trimester on race day and therefore not allowed to be on a bike, especially not for 56 miles. So I will be on site on race day to cheer my friends on and to cheer on my fabulous athlete Kristen as she crosses the finish line of her first 70.3, but there will be no finish line for me. And that’s okay. There’s always 2016, and many more years after that. IMChoo ’16 will still be a go as baby will here with plenty of time for me to recover and train properly. So that’s about where I stand right now. My season has reduced down to short running races, with the exception of Seneca7 which I managed to complete pregnant.

And now, to infuse a little humor into an emotionally driven post, a little diddy about why I chose my ironically cheesy title choice for this post. Enjoy.

32 Replies to “Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End”

    1. Hahaha, I figured a few smart people would pick up on it sooner or later. Thanks.

  1. Oh my goodness Courtney, how EXCITING!!!! I can’t imagine the emotional rollercoaster you have been through with the loss of your aunt and then finding out you are pregnant. Life has gone full circle in your family these past weeks. I hope you are doing well – how far along are you now? You mentioned in a comment that you guys would be trying soon, so I am so happy that you will be joining the preggo club! 🙂
    Kristen @ Glitter and Dust recently posted…Week 19; Wild Dreams, Little Flutters, and A Cowboy MovieMy Profile

    1. I’m just over 8 weeks right now, so it’s still pretty new news. I was so excited for your pregnancy announcement because I was like “Yay, a fellow triathlete in the same spot as me!” Glad to be in the club with you!

  2. Courtney, I read this with chills. First, I am SO terribly sorry for your loss, that is never an easy thing and I am sending good thoughts to you and your family. Second, I AM SO SO happy you are expecting!!! The same exact situation happened to us the day after my Gram suddenly passed away. I was devastated and barely holding on, but the next day I found out I was pregnant with Ashton and my Mom told me it was her way of saying goodbye, to not be sad and giving me something so incredibly special to live on for. Hugs my friend and expect something special in the mail from me soon, I have been holding onto something specifically for you for many months waiting for this announcement!
    Sara @ lifebetweenthemiles recently posted…The Weekly Wrap UpMy Profile

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s so crazy how life works out that way sometimes. Crazy that we have such a similar experience! And how sweet of you to have something for me. Your comment just got me all teared up. Thank you, friend.

  3. So hey I came on here looking for your discount code to Trisports or all3sports etc…and I saw this! Big congrats!!!! That’s so exciting. My youngest was due (and actually born on December 8)! Best of luck and take care of yourself. Smart decision about the 70.3. There will be PLENTY of others. Focus on YOU and that blueberry which will soon be an apple, then a cantaloupe then a watermelon.

    1. Well I hope you found the code too while you were here =P

      I’m definitely going to make sure myself and little babe are doing well before I try to get back into much. Thanks!

    1. Ehhh, I already did Syracuse. No harm, no foul. Baby is definitely higher priority. Thank you!

  4. Yaaaaaaay! i already knew this but I’m still so excited! And I’ve been wondering how it’s been affecting your workouts and your race schedule. I think it’s so cool you ran a race with your baby already! I love when pregnant women run races – it shows that women are seriously badass. You baby is going to be born ready to follow in your tri footsteps!
    Kristen recently posted…Her Tern Half Marathon Training Kickoff!My Profile

    1. Hopefully this kid is born to run and tri! I don’t feel too badass yet. Maybe when the morning sickness lets up some. Thank you, friend!

  5. It’s so hard when there is a hardship in the family and you have to balance good news with that. But it is amazing, wonderful news and I wish you the best of pregnancies. Seeing life come in the middle of a dark time is amazing and I’m sure gives your family some joy!

    Glad you decided on pulling out of the race. It was a lot of pressure mentally, not just the deal of it physically. You are doing the right thing. There’s always another race. Only one baby TriGirl!
    Cynthia @ You Signed Up For WHAT?! recently posted…I’m Apparently Super-TaperingMy Profile

    1. Oh yeah, there’s always more races. And besides, the metal is the exact same as last year and I already have that one hanging on my wall 😉

      I hope for an easy pregnancy too. I’ll probably badger you with questions at some point since you’re an experienced badass momma!

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