Spinning last night was very much so needed in so many ways.
Sunday night I couldn’t sleep. I dealt with a Griswold fiasco at 3am and then couldn’t sleep some more. Around 4am I conceded and shut my alarm off. There was no way I could run on only four hours of sleep, if that.
But I did decide I’d go to spinning in the evening. My plan was to spin for an hour, go downstairs and run 2-3 miles, then lift. But spinning ended up being enough.
I’ve been entirely too stressed out lately. Finishing grad school, the grant at work is sucking every ounce of my soul out of me, training, PT, endless doctors appointments, trying to keep the house pulled together, my finances, my ever yo-yoing weight and self deprecating attitude. I feel like there isn’t enough time in the day or space in my brain for everything.
As I was walking out the door to head to the gym I got an email from one of my school superintendents that kind of irked me. There wasn’t anything particularly off putting about it, but this grant has soooo many intricacies and moving parts that require such extremely coordinated movements and with only a few weeks to pull everything together and it just got under my skin. I couldn’t shake it. I spent the first 20 minutes of class unable to shake the email out of my head which went on to annoy me further because my training is my time. It’s not for work, or school, or stress. It’s the opposite in fact. I was so frustrated about my inability to let go.
My inability to let go. I’m so internal. I suck so much in and hold onto it. I let things fester and well up. Then one little insignificant thing pushes me to my tipping point and somehow I spend a whole day crying. And God forbid someone should ask me what I’m upset about because Hell if I know. Most of the time I don’t because I let things bubble for so long I never know what’s exploding out. It’s days like that when Rob walks in the door home from work and I’m standing in the living room with my health insurance card in one hand and my industrial bar in the other and I’m crying and unable to offer up a valid or sane explanation as to why.
So when I go to spinning and the little built up nuances won’t stop antagonizing me it’s frustrating. That’s my time. And I finally got to the point of sinking down onto the aero bars, dropping my head between my biceps, and closing my eyes. I didn’t care what we were supposed to be doing, that’s where I needed to be. I pedaled like that for about half the class. With my eyes closed and my head down breathing deep I was able to retreat and begin to let things go. Everything just builds and builds and it gets so exhausting. And in those moments on the spinner I let things go. I had a few tears come up to the surface and that’s okay too.
It was definitely a cathartic session for me. Triathlon has been providing me that. All these things that eat away down to the bone, that stress and destroy, training helps to wash away. I am more than all those things. I am capable of more than that. Life gets in the way sometimes and it’s so hard not to fixate and the release I need is sometimes only a ride or a run away.
Triathlon is teaching me a lot about myself. About my own capabilities and strength. And not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We push the boundaries of everything we think we’re capable of only to realize how truly able we are.
When I registered for Ironman 70.3 Syracuse, halfway through the registration it asked if I also wanted to register for Ironman Lake Placid 140.6 as a bundle package. I must have stared at that screen for a good five minutes. I wanted to. I could have. I could make myself able to complete that by July if I committed. I know I can get myself there because triathlon has taught me that. And I want it. A full iron distance race is one of the most gruelling endurance races someone can put themself through. I want to do a full iron because I want to know I am capable of everything I know I can be and anything I think I can’t be. I’ve always been so hard on myself and a full iron is my chance to allow myself to really and truly understand what I am capable of. And I need that.
But I also know it’s not just about doing it. It’s about getting there. I want to do it but I also want to make sure I take my time and give myself the chance I need to learn everything I need to know. And not just about triathlon but about me, life, everything I am, how to let go, that I am capable.
It’s about so much and so little at the same time. Sometimes I just need a freeing few moments to myself during my training to let go of life and remember why I love this. After my first triathlon, Iron Girl Syracuse 2012, Rob gave me an Iron Girl insignia necklace that I have worn ever since. I love it because it reminds me how far I have come. It reminds me how strong I am and that I can do anything even if it seems so hard or far away.
Triathlon is giving me clarity and strength.
I am capable.