The Hardest Day

You guys. I had to put on waterproof mascara today. I’m back at work and I have no idea how I will handle today. I haven’t left Ellie for more than about three hours before and when I did I thought about her constantly.

I will admit that I am looking forward to getting back to normal life, but at the same time I just can’t fathom not being home with Ellebutt. How have 12 weeks already passed? How is my little girl 12 weeks old? Wasn’t it just yesterday Rob and I were driving hand in hand to Syracuse going “Holy crap, we’re having a baby”? Her first cry, the first time I held her, the first time that sweet little face looked at me with her blue eyes. How can I leave her?

Today is going to be really hard.

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Thankfully I work for five days then it’s February break, so I’ll be off for another week.

I have no idea how today will go. I have no idea how this first week will go. It’s going to be an enormous learning curve in time management, physical stamina, and emotional control.

My training plan for the week is just get done anything I can.

I don’t know how much sleep I’m going to get, how hard transitioning back to work after 14 weeks off will be, or how I’m going to do with working out at night since my only opportunity to do so will be after Ellie is in bed for the night.

I do know this week I didn’t hit my targets. I only did one trainer workout and one run. My run did not get me to the four miles I was hoping to log as a “long” run either. I had a really rough week in terms of sleep.

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I was pretty miserable towards the end. All week I struggled to get even five hours of broken sleep a night and never once got a nap in. I knew I needed and wanted to work out, but I just couldn’t. I even got as far as changing into workout gear one of those days which took a lot of effort in it’s own right. But by the time I actually could have gotten in a workout I had been dressed for one or two hours had passed and so had my gusto. My energy was destroyed. I could barely hold my eyes open.  On top of that I also spent the whole week feeling panicked at the thought of going back to work. I love my job but leaving my baby is so difficult. The only thing that makes it a little easier is knowing she’s home with her Daddy all day while I’m working. I’m so glad we don’t need childcare. My husband is an amazing father and I know they’ll be fine, but I still can’t help but feel sad.

Dressed for a workout I never managed to do. I did get lots of baby snuggles though, which are better!

Dressed for a workout I never managed to do. I did get lots of baby snuggles though, which are better!

My first workout was actually my only trainer ride for the week that I did on Tuesday. I did a warm up and cool down with a 20 minute hard push that go me to 10.3 miles. I was happy enough with that, but I do need to start logging longer saddle times and start doing actual workouts on my bike, not just pedal mashing sessions.

I only ran once this week and while I didn’t get in a 4 miler, my run was OUTSIDE!

My run was Thursday. I had no idea what to expect out of myself, but I knew the weather was decent and I was curious to see how all my miles over the past 8 weeks on the treadmill had paid off. I had no particular goal for this run other then to get outside and move my legs. I ended up doing 2.25 miles at an average pace of 11:27, which is the best pace I’ve clocked postpartum. It’s slow for me, but I was surprisingly delighted to see that I’m seemingly running conservatively on the treadmill. My splits were 11:46, 11:27, and 10:22 respectively. And the last quarter mile I ran included an uphill portion. I felt pretty winded after that last quarter mile, but I felt okay really. I’m dying to keep running outside and I’m hoping to get one outdoor run in on the weekends from here on out.

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It was such a hard week. I was so scared to go back to work all week. I was exhausted from not sleeping all week. There was one night where Ellie didn’t go down for bed until almost three hours later than she usually does. We both cried. A lot. She because she was over tired and fighting sleep. Me because I was over tired and frustrated, sad, confused, drained. I finally got her calmed down by putting her in the k’tan, but it was a really bad night.

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After hours of baby screaming and mommy crying I chose wine over workouts. Correct choice.

Thankfully these night don’t happen often. Normally she starts to get tired and fuss sometime between 5:30 and 6pm. We usually head upstairs to the nursery around 7 and she goes out sometime between 7 and 8pm. And then I usually spend an hour or two of time to myself just relaxing. But now that time will be when I get to workout.

I’m not much of a night time workout person, but this is my new reality. Workout at 5am? No problem. Workout at 8pm? Kill me. But during the week this will be my only option so I need to learn to accept my new normal. And my new “rule” about evening workouts is I cannot stay in the basement working out passed 9:30pm at the latest so I can be showered and in bed by 10pm at the latest. This is later than I normally go to bed on a school night, but it is what it is and I’ll manage. I know I will. It won’t be easy and it will be a big adjustment for me, but it’s going to be my new normal. At least until summer break starts at the end of June.

However, this is my first week of my new schedule and honestly, I’ll be happy if I can get myself downstairs to work out two or three times during the week. Eventually I’m going to have to be down there every night, but for now I’m still just building my base and my new life, so I’ll do whatever my body allows.

Cross your fingers I can make it through my first day back at work without crying. And tonight, all the baby snuggles before my workout. All the baby snuggles.

What was your best workout this week?

2 Thoughts on “The Hardest Day

  1. Good luck. I will be thinking of you. You are very lucky you don’t have to drop her off at daycare. Take comfort in knowing she is home with daddy. Do what you can and don’t sweat the small stuff.

  2. Sending so much love. I don’t always appreciate when people say: YOU GOT THIS!!

    But you do. You won’t make it through.
    <3
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